I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
