She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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