i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
