I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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