similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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