the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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