I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
