I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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