A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
