I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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