my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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