Already got asked if we're dating
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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