so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
