Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
