I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
