Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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