I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
