I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Your cock deserves a montage
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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