to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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