good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
