He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
