I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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