thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
