I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Randomize
