I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
