I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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