Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
