Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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