Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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