apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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