Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
