I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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