I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
