what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
