i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
