watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
