i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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