so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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