just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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