she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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