I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
