the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
