I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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