I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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