I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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