Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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