and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
BRING THE BAGELS
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
