Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
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I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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