I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
