someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How naked do you want me to be?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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