I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Enjoy the penises
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
