I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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