covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
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