He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
