Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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