Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
